I was a little bit spooked this morning; on the day when I had determined not to continue with this work. I saw a short video by Thich Nhat Hanh, which answers a question: How do we deal with regrets at the end of our life?
He spoke of beginning anew, about doing something about what we did in the past, how to neutralise the wrong things of the past and turn them into something beautiful.
The wrong things of our past are still with us, as a wound, and if we don’t do anything the wounds will remain.
But with deep looking we can say sorry, we can be determined not to do it again.
Your voice will be heard, those hearing will smile, and the wounds begin to heal very quickly.
In the present moment you have peace, and all complex of guilt is gone; the practice of beginning anew is very effective. Then you have a new life in front of you.
The idea for this book was that I would explore the mistakes made in 2004.
But without reliable background information I knew it would be difficult. I can’t for instance be certain that this was the year when we went to relationship counselling.
Although I do now know that to go to counselling one needs to be able to listen; one needs to be open to what situations, and what suggestions, if any, arise.
It is no good to go to counselling, then to sit in a corner sulking, because you are not getting your own way.
If you do behave in that way why would anyone in the future agree to go to counselling with you anyway.
I do remember that the counselling room was calm; all creams, beiges, whites; a round table, with a bowl of pebbles, yes, everything about the room was non-confrontational.
But I was confrontational, I wanted to win the battle, because for some crazy reason I did see it has a battle; may the victor take the spoils; I was wrong
I have some photographs, dated 3rd January 2004, if that date is to be believed, for in the same folder there are others dated 2000.
Anyway, they are at Yorkshire Sculpture Park, Anthony Gormley’s statues, mounted on top of trees.
There is one photo of my ex, well wrapped up in scarf and jacket; it is a distant shot but it does suggest it is winter. There are no photographs of our son, which is a bit odd, because he did like to pose.
Fourteen years on from 2004 I have just finished proof reading my friends transcripts of her notes whilst travelling around India; she was in search of, well, in search of herself I would say.
She went to India after the breakup of a long-term relationship, which she frequently, though always briefly, mentions in her notes.
Will I do the same, is that a universal action of the collective unconscious.
There are only three poems in my folder January to March 2004, I don’t know if more have been lost, in the movements across many computers over the years.
I will look back into the physical archives, or at least the ones I have access to. I will also try to trace BBC’s Get Writing website, which I regularly contributed to.
