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Friday, 20 January 2023

Foreword Part 3

There is one thing certain about my poetry; it is not a reliable guide to either time or place; the poems often spring from memories; deep, or shallow memories.

Yes, I may remember a scent, or a dust mote, but to tell you where, or to tell you when, well then things get a bit sketchy.

My desire for ambiguity steps to the fore; the need to cover one’s tracks, the absolute desire to prevent anything literal being taken from, or read into, my words of escape.

Will it always be thus? It may always be thus, except in those moments of overwhelming weakness, or in those moments of seriously, blindingly mindful awareness.

In 2004 I was working on site in Taunton, also at the head office in Wolverhampton; frequently I had to visit sites on the Dorset coast, and contribute to team building in Yorkshire and Warrington, but I was able to work Fridays in Devon, from our home.

Since 2000 I had spent more nights away from home than I had spent at home; I had become used to the itinerant life; what should my partner do when I was away from home; surely she deserved a life.

I don’t recall that we spoke too much, not like in our formative years, when my partner often told me that I was the only person who she could talk to on the telephone without clock watching.

What is it that causes the words to dry up, what prevents the humour filled ripostes, what takes away the joy of meaningful, and meaningless conversations.

Is it too much to ask a couple to be continuously switching their lives on and off; is continuity the real bedrock of companionship, even, dare I say it of love.

The place I used to stay in Somerset is now an Air B&B establishment, though its description is exactly as I remember it, with the same strict rules for breakfast.

I would have liked to have lived in that house, it was designed and built by an architect who lived there; he seemed to have put all of the right things in all of the right places.

It was more than a home from home, it was a retreat, a place for contemplation, for solace; yet it was an indulgence, perhaps I should have gone home more often than I did, for after all home was only two hours drive away.

When I first came back to the UK from Jersey I stayed in lodgings in Devon, right beside the train line; every night I would go to telephone my partner from the telephone box on the railway bridge.

Then I would return to my bedroom, lay on the bed, listen to the trains going up country, or coming down from London, on their way to Plymouth and beyond.

In the Mendips and on the Somerset Levels I did the same thing, although now I could hear from further away, for there was less urban sprawl to dull the sounds of the trains.

I hope not to overload you with old poetry, but I do so so want to give you a feel for how I felt about this B&B (and maybe about other things too) with my poem Morning




Thursday, 19 January 2023

She was here

She was here

So very near

Her image clear

Then she's gone, she’s gone among


She sees you

So very true

Your life is her life

Then you're gone, you've gone among


The children grew together

Then they grew apart

Until life stopped forever

Unspoken broken hearts


Seeing was believing

Believing the feelings disturbed

Feelings, ceilings, broken open

Space, place, beings, being observed


The adults pulled together

Then they pulled apart

Dreaming of living forever

Then breaking their already broken hearts


Travelling for ever

Travelling to nowhere near

The destination becoming clear

Approaching here, approaching anonymity


Touch is the insurmountable cost

Itself lost in numbness, itself lost in fear

Guiding hands, comfort hugs, lost by the victims

Nothing’s left, only the emptiness is sincere


Tranquility was a passing moment

Sensuality was the togetherness missed

Rebirth brought salvation

Hope eternal sprang around them everywhere


The kiss everyone remembered

The missing memory of bliss

The family tribe is no longer mentored

The story is mine through sheer remiss



Wednesday, 18 January 2023

Foreword Part 2

I was a little bit spooked this morning; on the day when I had determined not to continue with this work. I saw a short video by Thich Nhat Hanh, which answers a question: How do we deal with regrets at the end of our life?

He spoke of beginning anew, about doing something about what we did in the past, how to neutralise the wrong things of the past and turn them into something beautiful.

The wrong things of our past are still with us, as a wound, and if we don’t do anything the wounds will remain.

But with deep looking we can say sorry, we can be determined not to do it again.

Your voice will be heard, those hearing will smile, and the wounds begin to heal very quickly.

In the present moment you have peace, and all complex of guilt is gone; the practice of beginning anew is very effective. Then you have a new life in front of you.

The idea for this book was that I would explore the mistakes made in 2004. 

But without reliable background information I knew it would be difficult. I can’t for instance be certain that this was the year when we went to relationship counselling.

Although I do now know that to go to counselling one needs to be able to listen; one needs to be open to what situations, and what suggestions, if any, arise.

It is no good to go to counselling, then to sit in a corner sulking, because you are not getting your own way.

If you do behave in that way why would anyone in the future agree to go to counselling with you anyway.

I do remember that the counselling room was calm; all creams, beiges, whites; a round table, with a bowl of pebbles, yes, everything about the room was non-confrontational.

But I was confrontational, I wanted to win the battle, because for some crazy reason I did see it has a battle; may the victor take the spoils; I was wrong

I have some photographs, dated 3rd January 2004, if that date is to be believed, for in the same folder there are others dated 2000.

Anyway, they are at Yorkshire Sculpture Park, Anthony Gormley’s statues, mounted on top of trees.

There is one photo of my ex, well wrapped up in scarf and jacket; it is a distant shot but it does suggest it is winter. There are no photographs of our son, which is a bit odd, because he did like to pose.

Fourteen years on from 2004 I have just finished proof reading my friends transcripts of her notes whilst travelling around India; she was in search of, well, in search of herself I would say.

She went to India after the breakup of a long-term relationship, which she frequently, though always briefly, mentions in her notes.

Will I do the same, is that a universal action of the collective unconscious.

There are only three poems in my folder January to March 2004, I don’t know if more have been lost, in the movements across many computers over the years.

I will look back into the physical archives, or at least the ones I have access to. I will also try to trace BBC’s Get Writing website, which I regularly contributed to.




Tuesday, 17 January 2023

Foreword Part 1

I did not care for the house, I thought it too small, inside and out; no, no it was not a place which I wanted to move to.

Neither did I care for the fact that my partner had cooked up a deal with her father to buy the house, then to let her rent it at a reduced rate, with an option, eventually, to buy it.

So when the family moved in I did not; instead I took my own place, a cold cold one bedroom winter-let, out across the river, on the Bere Peninsula.

The foreword could end there, if I could trust you to understand the failings of the human psyche, which leads on to failed relationships.

But I will go on, not that I don’t trust you, not that I wouldn’t care to read your suggested interpretations.

I will go on, so that you have a few more facts from my perspective to play with, a few more sides for you to take, a few more gaps for you to wander through.

The lawyer in London asked me to drink champagne as I was writing my record, in support of his clients arbitration proceedings.

I didn’t drink champagne, but I did get paid extremely well for a couple of weeks writing, followed by two appearances in London, as an expert witness.

Four years earlier, in 1992, I had returned from the Channel Isles of Jersey, to find a home, to earn a living, to provide for my new family.

We had rented houses, each for two years, prior to the one above which I did not move in to; they were larger houses, which I had chosen; my working seven days a week paid the rent.

I also didn’t move to the new house because I thought that my partner had been unfaithful.

My old boss from 1989 had offered her his hand in marriage; she did turn him down, but didn’t tell of what had led up to such a circumstance arising.

Fast forward a couple of years, I am in a rather warmer winter let, having spent two summers, and another cold winter, in a terraced row of student doctors out in the country.

I rang my ex, for as we were now living apart I think it not right still to call her my partner; I rang to see if she fancied going for a meal.

Are you asking me out on a date, she said excitedly; if you are then the answer is yes.

Well one thing led to another, and there I was, living in the house, which I hadn’t wanted to live in, which wasn’t big enough, inside, or out.

Several years of home improvements followed; new floors, new ceilings, new roofs, new walls, new windows, new bathroom, new conservatory, new fitted bedrooms, new kitchen, new study, new garden path, new arbour, new rill.

In the Christmas of 2002 my partner, bought me a Kodak digital camera, another thoughtful present to encourage me to develop my creativity.

Little did I know at the time that the camera was to be my witness of the year 2004, which is what this book of poetry is to be about.




available on amazon


Monday, 16 January 2023

The rent collector calls

Artisan bohemian

Leaves of grass

Beds of roses


Parisian San Franciscan

Steamers pass

Nowhere closes


The mist rises

The sun sets

The stars glow


The moons up high

Coffee, cabaret

Cigarette


The mist rises

The fantasy bets

Caravan


Or charabanc 

Pride and prejudice

Shoe soles worn


Gentleman gargantuan

Trampled leaf

Beds of thorn


The fret lifts

The rent collector calls

The wallets slow


Pretend not in

Cold coffee, camomile

Slow release nicorette


The lights dim

Reality

Retreats, stalls and then forecloses



Available on Amazon