Before We Go To Emptiness

This morning I am extremely sensually aroused
In a sexually aroused kind of way
I did have an erotically charged dream
Yet some three hours later
The passions are still climbing
The sap is still rising

Is this a reaction
To the nuns and the monks
Who we met at the weekend
Have I a mind
To counterbalance their abstinence

Or is this a stiff test
A delusion or a distraction
(A pretty strong one, I'll give you that)
A means to prevent my meditation
One more hurdle for me to sidle over
On the road to peace

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Procedures and Artefacts

I came into town to collect my prescription from the chemists. Kate said to ask if they do home deliveries, so I did ask; and the lady said yes we do, but only for the housebound. She did not say, but I think that clearly she thought, I did not meet that criteria.

I brought my old black leather shoes with me, to take them to the cobbler for new soles and heels (steel tipped). I find out that he does not open Monday's and Thursday's, today is Monday. I need then not have worried, as I did all the way, as to whether or not he takes cash or card for payment.

I was rather taken by the glass fronted sideboard at Madhyamaka. I fancied having a reflection in our old stables so that meditators could look back, through the new window behind them into the garden, much as I had done to watch the gulls soaring. The antiques centre had no such thing, and they didn't appear to know if they were going to be expecting one.

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Giants

I remember, what I heard, or read; about our thoughts and our dreams not being reality

Then I watched a poetry video Ultimo Fragmento (English subtitles)

A poem by Raymond Carver, he of What we talk about when we talk about love

I remember, what I read or heard, about his addictions and his delusions

Now I am told that what he wanted was "To call myself beloved, to feel myself beloved on earth"

My own obsessions, and their distance from reality brought me to the place where I first found him, and to where I find him once again

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Darkness Before Light

I said that I had heard the shrill sound of the roosting birds at dusk; the young monk told me that I would also be woken by their impressive dawn chorus

This evening, after a day of mindfulness and meditation I will listen more closely to the roost, I may even move myself to be closer to the action

Yet for now my mind is engaged in thoughts of how we seek out conversation; as though the interior being cannot trust itself to survive alone, or even be alone

My own defence from this fear of solitude is reading and writing, eating and drinking, bathing, and then preparing for the day that lies ahead

I have called it solitude yet already I have a certainty that the name is mistaken, or that the word is unduly heavy with too negative a connotation

What I wished to express, for myself, was the silent joy that exists within; a joy of silence that cries out for extending the times of pure peace

I am mindful that the path of my own words is often distracted by the delusory emotions of the moment; yet they are such a wonderful pleasure that I seek them out o so often

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Plans And Inactivity

During the meditation I was thinking about where to sit for my meditation at Avista

I also contemplated how to lay out the meditation chairs in the Old Stables

I even began to think about building a few shelves, on the back wall; centrally placed

And then, just for the shortest of moments, I was outside the Catholic Church in St Aubins

I do not believe that I ever entered through the doors of that building

I came back to the meditation using my skills of alertness and mindfulness

Skills that have waned, but which one day hopefully I may fully and resolutely recover

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